Monday, January 07, 2008

spitting on scorched earth

Is there anything cooler than making a big, dramatic exit...giving every piece of your mind within reach, then slamming the door and storming off into the sunset...only to realize you forgot to mention the very point you were trying to make in the first place?

Of course not. That's why I did it.

I feel like I just gathered all my righteous indignation and stomped out of the room (somewhat) triumphantly, only to leave my car keys behind...

Dammit. I can't even put someone in his or her place without fucking it up by doing something retarded. So all I can do - because I don't have the restraint or common sense to leave well-enough alone - is at least try to save face with myself here. And so, for the sake of posterity, my own sense of completion, and perhaps just to throw it out there for the universe to do with as it chooses...the following is a scene from a particular movie that hit me suddenly yesterday as the perfect analogy for this completely baffling and disheartening experience. Nutshell in hand, I had to cut my losses and choose to move on.

It's also sadly appropriate on so many different levels that I find the music of the Kirkwood brothers playing constantly in my head right now....

"Vultures"

Maybe I've been wasted,
And maybe I'm confused,
But mostly, it just seems like a whole lot to lose...
In such a small time

I tried to find just a small clip of the scene from the aforementioned movie that sums up the experience. The best I could do was this presumably homemade video (music not of my choosing). It'll have to do...



"Spit"


Once, it seemed to be the way things are...
Now it seems the way that it will be.
It's happening to me...

Once, we used to love and lose our minds...
Now it seems the tables have been turned.
My head is losing me...

Once, we used to spit into the wind
...it's coming back to me.
We used to spit into the wind
...it's coming back to me.

I hope I'm wrong about what I see happening. But I get a sick feeling I'm not. I just hope someone has already gotten some good pictures of how things are right now, because if I am right...it's all downhill from here.

Choices have consequences. I've made some really reckless, really stupid choices lately, myself. I was lucky. Or, more likely, just happened to have a chemical or two in my system that prevented me from destroying everything I hold dear. Other folks don't have that kind of luck or chemistry. For them, those same reckless and stupid choices can very easily ruin a life. I sincerely hope that's not how this experience plays out...

But ultimately, each of us is responsible for the choices we make. A clear mind can more easily make healthier decisions. A troubled mind has far greater challenges than most people realize. But a troubled mind has choices, nevertheless. And living with the wrong choice can be the most difficult challenge of all.

Take a picture of your life right now. It may be all you have left to show for your troubles down the road...

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